“Beartato. Are you jealous of my hat?”
“You are not wearing a hat.”
“Are... are you jealous of... my 𝘀𝗰𝗮𝗹𝗽?”
— “Notice How It Reflects the Sunlight Just So”, https://nedroid.com/?192

Unlike the present king of France, I am not bald. However, my friend Keaton is (by choice!) and has written this guide to the hows and whys of enbaldening yourself:

https://implicit.computer/blog/bald

This is fine and good. In fact, I would go so far as to say every man should embalden himself at least once, just as a fun thing to do (unless you don't want to; it's only a thing to do); probably during your youth if possible, in which case I would also recommend it to girls. Also, now that I think about it, I would also recommend this to women.

(The next step, of course, is to go from that baldness to growing out your hair as long as is possible, also as a fun thing to do. You should also try this out with a beard, if you can grow one, but that probably won't work as well in your youth. And many a man sadly would not have a window of time in which he could grow out his head hair to maximum and his beard hair to maximum, as, for many among us, one comes in as the other departs, alas!)

I've had all sorts of hairstyles, but I've never gone fully bald. I sort of wonder what my scalp looks like. However, the one time I seriously considered doing this I was about to go backpacking through the state of Oklahoma, and I didn't want to immediately sunburn my scalp. And I've been busy since then.

I have medium-length (for a man) hair, and a close-cropped beard (which, I believe, the barber would measure as one inch, even though it clearly does not seem to extend one inch off of my face; they have particular ways of measuring things, those barbers!) I think they look pretty good. (If you would like a reference for what I look like, find any random picture of Herman Melville and there's a pretty good chance I've looked like that at some point.) But unlike Keaton, I have never found my hair hard to maintain — even though I find keeping track of tasks extremely burdensome in general.

Like all holders of a philosophy degree, I have crippling limitations in my abilities and capacities (this part is common to all humans) but have used Philosophy to cleverly work around them THUS CHEATING BOTH GOD AND THE DEVIL. Here is how, and why.

1. You probably look better with hair.

SCIENTIFICALLY, according to this fact I just made up, most people look better with hair. For some people this is not true, and this must be judged on a case-by-case basis by a competent authority. From my philosophy classes, I seem to remember that beauty is good.

2. Don't be bald.

This is a necessary prerequisite to having hair.

3. Refuse to comb your hair for years.

For years, I refused to comb my hair, or brush it, or style it in any way. This is because I find loose hair exactly as pleasant to look at as styled hair. A preference which is, unfortunately, not shared by the wider population. So I was flying blind (when I did try) combing my hair this way and that, wondering "Will this look good to people? People other than me?"

Does unstyled hair look worse than being bald, for you? Well, consult the competent authority from point 1, above.

4. Effectively go without haircuts for years.

This is just an extension of above, really, except eventually the hair will get long enough to inconvenience you, and then you can buzz it all off and start anew.

5. Be the son of my father.

Eventually, it turned out that my father got a haircut on a regular basis. (Literally, "to Great Clips every few weeks because they do an acceptable job", to quote Keaton above.) So I just got in the habit of going to get a haircut with him whenever he got a haircut. Problem solved! And then half the time I would miss it because I had some other obligation, but that's fine because you don't need to get a haircut that frequently.

6. Stop using shampoo.

Unless you work in dirt, a factory, or a dirt factory, shampoo is apparently a scam. You can simply wash your hair with hot water in the shower, unless it is extremely dirtied by some exogenous contaminant.

You must procure a regular comb (presumably black, and bifocal (or whatever they're called) but I don't really know if this matters. But I think everyone in America has one of those combs around somewhere.) and aggressively comb your hair for two minutes a day before you shower, to distribute the oil around your hair and knock off spare skin particles. I say, "before you shower", but you can really do it anytime, it just so happens that you're going to get a lot of hair detritus all over yourself and your surroundings, so naked in a bathtub about to clean yourself is a great way to do it.

(You will also need to clean the skin detritus off of the comb while in the shower, which is just a matter of soaping it up and rinsing it off. (Note: I have had mixed results with this cleaning method, presumably based on comb properties. Update: I now own a brush FOR my comb, which almost seems contradictory.) Of course, to avoid clogging the drain, you should yank off the spare hair first, while it's dry, and put it into a trash can. Anyhow, the point of cleaning the skin detritus off of the comb while in the shower is just so you can use the same comb to arrange your hair later, without getting the detritus back on you. You may also elect to simply own TWO cheap combs (luxury!) and use one pre-shower and one post-shower. Whichever you find easier.)

Other people in the "no-poo" (no-shampoo) community have claimed they went through weeks of itchiness and oiliness before their hair renormalized to their new lifestyle. This was never a problem for me. I assume I'm just superhuman.

Be forewarned, though! If you try to be clever, and think "Why not simply use the soap I use on the rest of my body, on my hair?" note that regular soap is actually apparently "harsher" on your hair, and the whole point of shampoo as a special substance is to not be as harsh on your hair. Or, at least, that's what I'm told. I've never used bar soap on my hair long enough to find out what it would do. (Also, I now don't use any type of soap on my hair, as previously discussed.)

7. Don't use conditioner.

Because I'm a man, I never believed conditioner did anything, anyway.

I don't even think it sounds like the name of a real product.

8. Don't put grease on your hair (or whatever they're calling it these days).

Many people like to put a kind of grease on their hair, to hold it in stylish shape throughout the day (and possibly for other reasons). I obviously didn't do this, because I wasn't styling my hair in the first place (although I did *consider* doing it, at some points in my life, just because I noticed my hair looked pretty good, but then I would go outside in the wind, or wear headphones, and then it would be like... crazy. Crazier than even *I* thought looked good.) but I definitely don't do this now. The oil your scalp naturally produces is what's supposed to do the stuff that this stuff does; I'm pretty sure.

My dad warns me this no-shampoo strategy could make your hair look "greasy". Even though I've read this term as a description of an undesirable hair trait before, I don't really know what it would mean for real. I will report back if it ever becomes a problem, I guess.

9. OK, now, go to the barber like twice a year.

Now that you have reclaimed your god-given hairgifts, and gotten into the habit of combing, your hair will look good with no additional maintenance from you for a long amount of time. Now you just need to go to the barber every 6 months to keep it approximately the right length. Maybe a longer or shorter period of time (Did you know that hair growth rate— and terminal length!— varies from person to person?)

10. Actually, I think my system is way less work than Keaton's, when you think about it.

I deal with my hair for like two minutes a day, skipping some days, and there isn't even any risk of cutting yourself. The main reason I even started going to the barber is that I got sick of cutting myself shaving, and learned the barbers will also give you a professional shave or face buzz cut. That's all in the past, though. Now I just go to them for hair enshortening, like a normal person, about once a year (I like to let my hair run a small gamut of hairstyles before I cull it back). The point is I think my thing is actually easier than his thing. Plus, you get to have hair.

11. Keeps your head warm, innit?

A hat is the only article of clothing your body can naturally grow.

12. I also do not blow dry my hair, or really towel it intensively or anything.

My hair just isn't long enough to require this. And I'm comfortable having a wet head, even when I do get on to the longer side.